Yesterday I found myself googling something, but I can’t remember what. It was something along the lines of whether something was safe to do during the TWW. Any time you google this kind of material, you will end up reading threads from regular people and not medical professionals. It’s a lot of “I heard this” and “someone told me that” kind of stuff.

Anyway, what caught my eye was a post about someone wanting to stretch. Stretch, you may ask? Yes, stretch. It went something like, “I heard you can’t stretch during the TWW. What do I do? I really need to stretch!” I started laughing. Preposterous! How absurd! And then I saw someone’s response, which went like, “Oh, that’s horrible. I’m so sorry. Have you tried stretching one body part at a time? Try doing each leg one at a time, then do the arms.”

I still don’t know what they were talking about! Stretching like when you wake up in the morning or stretching for the gym? Either way, how is this bad? So then, of course, I start racking my brain. Have I been stretching? If so, has it harmed my potential pregnancy? What else have I been doing that I shouldn’t be doing?

It’s posts like these that remind me about why I decided not to google this time. I had to put down the phone and resume my regular activities. My understanding it that I can do anything I want within reason. Our doctor said no crazy twisting in the ovaries area. Specifically, no spin class and no flips while swimming. That wasn’t going to happen anyway!

I’m almost through week one of the TWW. Reaching the halfway mark is always excellent because we’re that much closer to knowing. Tuesday would be the most common implantation day, so let’s all hope and pray that something is fertilized and decides to stick this time! In the meantime, I will not be doing the twist!!

Some questions are difficult to answer when you are struggling with infertility. I remember being single and constantly getting the “Do you have a boyfriend” question. Then when you are dating it’s the “When are you going to get married” question. Well, that was actually usually my nephew asking future hubby the question, but I still credit nephew for pushing hubs in the right direction!

I was so glad to get married because those questions were over. Little did I know we would have a new round of questions to answer. “Do you have a family?” “Do you have kids yet?” “When are you going to start your family?” When we were first married, we answered with an optimistic, “Not yet, but hopefully soon!” Once the struggle became real, I would mumble a “not yet” and force a smile. Now I try to avoid the question, and to avoid the question you usually have to avoid meeting new people. Depending on who asks, my answers vary. Typically if you ask me the question you will get the “not yet” response. Every now and then for a friend or close acquaintance, I will admit that we would love a family but that we have had some trouble so we need some medical intervention. (See my post about Coming out of the Infertility Closet to see what happens after that answer. 😜)

I think that people think it’s a polite question and a good conversation starter. I’m sure I used to do it myself. But let me give you an example of how it stings. The day before our very first IUI was Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is a holiday where you celebrate your own wonderful mother, but it also reminds you of how empty your own womb has been. So on Mother’s Day hubby and I went to get a pedicure. Relaxing, right? Nope. Both of our pedicure ladies bombarded us with the questions. “Do you have a family?” “Why no family yet?” “How old are you?” “You don’t want to wait too long.” We fielded questions such as these for about 20 minutes. Finally, I asked them about their own kids and they dropped their questions to answer mine. I had to look at things from a different perspective. I left feeling bad for them since they had to work on this special day for mothers when they had their own children at home.

I realize that questions like these happen to everyone. I have a couple dear to me who is working on their second child. I have seen first hand people tell them, “It’s time for a second baby!” They handle it with grace and dignity every time, but I’m sure it stings.

This post is kind of rambling, but I started writing it because of the actual “family” question. Is a couple not a family if it just the two of them with no kids? I feel like we are a family. We may be a family of two adults, three dogs, and a cat, but we are a family.

So anyway, tonight and tomorrow we have functions at our new church where we are going to meet new people. I’m sure we’re going to get some of these questions and I need to be mentally prepared. I will get my smile ready and rehearse my cheerful, “Not yet! But hopefully soon!” Wish me luck!!

UPDATE:  We finished our first function and didn’t get any family planning questions. If you know me you would know I’m a huge worrier and over-thinker. It looks like I overthought this big time. What a relief!

I forgot to share this funny story that happened Saturday after we finished at the doctor. I had been grumpy all day and kind of emotional. Instead of being understanding, Hubby was getting irritated with me. So then I was irritated with him for getting irritated with me because I was irritated to begin with.

Well, I’m acting all huffy and I go to the kitchen for some water. As I walk back to the living room, I slip in a puddle of water our lab mix spilled all over the kitchen floor from his mouth because he’s a crazy sloppy drinker. Not only do I slip, but I slide straight onto the floor and land on my left leg. My glasses fly off of my head but somehow my water in its glass remains intact.

Next thing I know, I am howling crying with tears flying off of my face like they do in cartoons. My leg hurts so bad it is numb. I keep thinking about how this could mess up everything that had been done at the doctor that morning. And then I realize how ridiculous I look sitting on the floor crying like a crazy woman and start laughing in addition to the crying. Now I really look insane.

Hubby just stands there looking at me saying, “Get up! Get up!” He finds my glasses and puts them on the couch. I must have placed my water glass on the floor because he moves it to a safer place. Once I get it together, I move to the couch and ice my leg and cry/laugh a little bit longer.

So why do I think this is so funny? When Hubby and I talked about it Sunday, I almost died when I found out his perspective. He didn’t hear me fall. He knew I was in a mood. He thought I was being dramatic and having a breakdown by throwing myself down on the kitchen floor and crying hysterically. He kept saying, “But you didn’t spill your water.” Who does he think I am? I know I’m dramatic and have a bit of diva in me, but seriously??? He makes me laugh even during the crazy, and it looks like I still make him laugh too.

So I’m still pretty grumpy. I don’t know if I had mentioned being grumpy in any earlier posts. One thing I’ve noticed with all of these hormones is a personality change. It’s not terrible, but I can feel it. I’ve even said to hubby that I know I’m acting like a psycho but I can’t stop myself. It’s like a total out of body experience. Most people say they don’t notice it, but it’s just like some funk that I can’t pull out of.

Last cycle it lasted for about a week– the second week of the injections. I thought since I only did the injections for four days this time it wouldn’t be as bad. I suppose the truth is that it’s not as bad, but it’s still there.

I start the progesterone supplements tomorrow as well as the systemic enzymes from the acupuncturist to help with implantation. My throat has still been pretty sore, so I’m mostly focusing on not getting sick! The doctor said I could take Claritin since it’s category B. It’s been helping quite a bit.

On a different topic, I also started Weight Watchers last week and lost 2 pounds! I know the weight loss journey is supposed to be slow and steady, and I’m glad I lost the 2 pounds, but it seemed like a lot of work for just two pounds. Buuuuut, if I’m looking on the bright side, counting points is taking up time that I would otherwise spend worrying. I guess it all evens out in the long run!

If you have any great recipes or tricks, feel free to share them! I’ve taken off from the elliptical the past few days, but I’m going to try to start back up tomorrow. This exercise thing is also new to me, so send some happy energetic non-sweaty vibes my way!!

Whew! Our IUIs are done for this cycle. Over all, it wasn’t too bad of an experience. Four days of injections in the arm, one trigger shot, and then back to back IUIs. All of this in less than a week. What a whirlwind!

I didn’t do anything superstitious this time. The last two times I did several things. I wore the same outfits on days 1 and days 2, I wore lucky socks, I wore a lucky necklace, and I can’t remember what else. Then there was the double rainbow we saw on the way to one of our IUIs last time. I was convinced it was a sign that the IUI would be a success.

I did a little bit of reflecting this round. I just felt blah the entire time. I’m not excited, but I’m not down. I guess it’s more that I feel like I’m an old pro at this now and I know not to get my hopes up.

We are in the two week wait now, which are seriously the looooongest two weeks of one’s life during this process. One of the things about the meds are that they screw with your body and your mind. Side effects mimic pregnancy, the trigger shot can cause a positive pregnancy test, and the progesterone supplement suppresses your period so you don’t even have that little clue that you’re not pregnant when the time comes.

During our first cycle, I started testing for pregnancy almost immediately. I tested my trigger out to where it was negative. Then I kept testing and testing only to see one line every time. Google was also my best friend. I googled everything. I was convinced that I would end up positive for pregnancy because everything pointed in that direction. . . except for the negative pregnancy tests. But, hey! I’m an optimist!! When I got the phone call saying I was negative I was devastated. I had kind of figured by then that I wasn’t pregnant, but the reality was much more difficult to handle than I expected.

Our second cycle was much better. No pregnancy tests, not much googling. I just immersed myself in distractions for the two weeks and tried not to dwell on the upcoming Beta test. Again, I recognized the pregnancy symptoms, but I knew this time that this was common and I didn’t get as excited. I only tested the one night before I went in for my blood test to prepare myself. Negative. I had a delayed reaction the next day when the phone call came at 1:30. I was fine at first. Then around 8:30 pm the reality hit and the devastation sunk in. I had my pity party for one more day and then focused on moving on.

So here we are in our third TWW. I’m not yet sure how I’m gonna play it this time, but I’m leaning toward sweet oblivion once again. I only need to find some projects to occupy my mind and my time over the next two weeks! If you have any ideas please let me know. 😊

Today was our first IUI this cycle. We go back for #2 tomorrow, and then begins the dreaded two week wait, or TWW. We had a pretty lengthy wait today in the waiting area and then another lengthy wait in the exam room before the procedure. Then after quite a bit of discomfort this time, we were finally done.

I’m still thrown off by the timing thing. My personality doesn’t work well with surprises. I know I need to calm down and take things in stride. The other kicker is that I woke up this morning with a runny nose and a super sore throat. Hubby keeps telling me, “You can’t get sick!” Duh! Don’t you think I know that, Sweetie? ❤️

Anyway, I plan on resting the rest of today and trying not to get sick. And tomorrow we will do it all over again.

I went in today for my blood work and follicular ultrasound. My lining is ready and I have one follicle at a 19. It looks like we will trigger tonight and do our IUIs tomorrow and Sunday. I was totally unprepared for this since I’ve only been stimming for four days!!

I was really hoping I would have two mature follicles this time, but I guess it wasn’t in the cards. So here we go. Let’s hope this little follie is The One!!

I’m totally in shock and totally nervous, so please please please send prayers and positive thoughts our way!

I don’t know how many blogs I have read that have this same title, but it is so fitting for people in our situation. Slowly but surely, I have been coming out of the infertility closet. When we first realized we were having problems, I shared only with some family and closest friends. Then the topic would come up with other friends and I would start to share some of my story.

When we started our treatment in May, I had to come further out of the closet at work because of all the time I’ve been taking off. And now, as I told someone the other day, I’m not above begging for prayers so I’m sharing even more.

I’ve been so comforted by the responses I’ve gotten from friends. I’ve learned about many who have shared the same struggles I have and are able to share their stories with me. I have others who have simply said, “Hey, I’m here for you and I’m praying for you.”  And who doesn’t love to hear a good success story or two?

It makes me wonder why many people don’t share their stories more than they do. Everyone knows someone who has struggled with this same issue. It’s not uncommon. It’s not like we’ve done something wrong. But I do think that we see ourselves as failures at being women. At least for me, from the time I was a kid I dreamed about being a mom. Who would my kids be? Who would their dad be? What would they look like? Would they be silly or serious? I dream of the sweet baby smell, of rocking a cooing infant to sleep, of losing sleep because he or she is up all night crying, of cleaning up projectile poop and puke, of all the other things that come with being a parent.  I’ll take the good and the bad any day.  And I hope that one day I will look back at this statement and laugh, wondering what I was thinking when I made the crazy choice to be a parent.

To realize that pregnancy wasn’t going to be easy made me feel ineffective as a woman. Yes, I have a happy marriage and a career, but I want more. And why shouldn’t I be able to have what I want so desperately? I have some friends who just have to look at their husbands and they are with child! Why not me?

Another reason I think people don’t share their story aside from personal shame is that it’s overwhelming. Not only do you have to explain that there is something “wrong” with you, but you have to listen to all of the advice and success stories. Have you done this? Have you tried that? “All I had to do was stand on my head for two hours while singing the soundtrack to Mama Mia and I got pregnant.” “Just relax. If you’re not stressed out, it will happen.” “Why don’t you adopt? I know a lot of people who adopted and they got pregnant immediately.”

Believe me, I have listened to your advice and I have probably tried almost everything suggested. I’ve been like a crazy woman on a mission for two years now. There comes a time that you just have to stop and say, “I can’t do this by myself anymore.” I need you to know that you don’t have to say anything more than that you are here for me if I need to talk, that you love me, and that you are praying for me. And if that means I have to come out of the infertility closet, then look out world ’cause here I am!!

On another note, please send good vibes that all goes well at the doctor tomorrow. It will be the first check up since I started the shots and we will see if I’m responding like I should be.

When one thinks of acupuncture, peace and serenity may not be the first things to come to mind. They certainly were not with me. I was thinking more along the line of needles and pain. Boy, was I wrong!  One of the things I most look forward to is acupuncture, which I started around a year ago. I read that acupuncture can help with fertility and our RE didn’t recommend against it, so we went for it!

I went regularly for a couple of months and dropped out during The Depression.  I started back up again this May and am going twice a month. My acupuncturist is awesome!  His name is Chris and he is a calming presence in my life. His optimism carries over to me and his knowledge gives me comfort.

After a few small pokes of the needles, he covers me up, turns on some soothing ocean sounds, and turns the lights out.  For the 20-30 minutes that I am in there, I am at peace.  My mind isn’t racing, my phone isn’t ringing, my thoughts float around the room in a circular unfocused haze.  The stress drops away.

Meanwhile, I don’t even notice the needles poking out of my head, chest, stomach, arms, legs, and feet.  I just feel warmth.  I do have to laugh every time at what I call the “jumper cables.”  He hooks up some jumper cable type apparatus to the needles stimulating my ovaries and they buzz quietly around my abdomen.  I often wonder what I would look like to a random person who happened to walk into the room!

“Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm.” (Anonymous) As long as my storm is raging, I am glad to have found my peace and serenity.

The lovely thing about health insurance is that all initial testing for infertility is usually covered. However, once you are tested and find out you need IUI or IVF, it’s up to you to pay for everything else out-of-pocket since having a baby is not a medical necessity.

In addition to paying for the procedure, you also usually have to pay for the meds. On our first Clomid cycle, it wasn’t bad at all. I want to say we paid around $50 for the Clomid and $90 or so for the trigger shot, and I was given a coupon for the Endometrin so there was no charge. When we moved on to injectables, we were looking at spending thousands. Much to my surprise, the specialized pharmacy called (yes, there are pharmacies specifically for fertility meds!) and informed me that my injectables would be covered minus a $60 copay that they had a coupon to cover. I only had to pay for the trigger shot! Even in the middle of the second cycle when my doctor upped my dosage, I didn’t have to pay.

Just to illustrate how extremely lucky we are, I ordered another round of meds today. In these cycles with injectables, I am prescribed Bravelle for follicle stimulation (stims), Ovidrel for my trigger shot (an HcG supplement to force ovulation), and Endometrin, which is a progesterone supplement used after the IUI. I did a little digging online to see how much these meds would cost if I had to pay out of pocket. Here’s what I came up with:

Ovidrel: $136
Endometrin: $280 (for 2 boxes)
Bravelle: $3,876 (30 vials)

TOTAL: $4,292.00

This is in addition to what we paid for the IUI procedure! Guess how much I paid? $35 for the trigger shot. Total. The end.

So while I complain sometimes and feel sorry for myself, I have to put things into perspective and realize just how lucky I am in some areas of this journey. This is my reason to be thankful today. What is yours?