I don’t know how many blogs I have read that have this same title, but it is so fitting for people in our situation. Slowly but surely, I have been coming out of the infertility closet. When we first realized we were having problems, I shared only with some family and closest friends. Then the topic would come up with other friends and I would start to share some of my story.

When we started our treatment in May, I had to come further out of the closet at work because of all the time I’ve been taking off. And now, as I told someone the other day, I’m not above begging for prayers so I’m sharing even more.

I’ve been so comforted by the responses I’ve gotten from friends. I’ve learned about many who have shared the same struggles I have and are able to share their stories with me. I have others who have simply said, “Hey, I’m here for you and I’m praying for you.”  And who doesn’t love to hear a good success story or two?

It makes me wonder why many people don’t share their stories more than they do. Everyone knows someone who has struggled with this same issue. It’s not uncommon. It’s not like we’ve done something wrong. But I do think that we see ourselves as failures at being women. At least for me, from the time I was a kid I dreamed about being a mom. Who would my kids be? Who would their dad be? What would they look like? Would they be silly or serious? I dream of the sweet baby smell, of rocking a cooing infant to sleep, of losing sleep because he or she is up all night crying, of cleaning up projectile poop and puke, of all the other things that come with being a parent.  I’ll take the good and the bad any day.  And I hope that one day I will look back at this statement and laugh, wondering what I was thinking when I made the crazy choice to be a parent.

To realize that pregnancy wasn’t going to be easy made me feel ineffective as a woman. Yes, I have a happy marriage and a career, but I want more. And why shouldn’t I be able to have what I want so desperately? I have some friends who just have to look at their husbands and they are with child! Why not me?

Another reason I think people don’t share their story aside from personal shame is that it’s overwhelming. Not only do you have to explain that there is something “wrong” with you, but you have to listen to all of the advice and success stories. Have you done this? Have you tried that? “All I had to do was stand on my head for two hours while singing the soundtrack to Mama Mia and I got pregnant.” “Just relax. If you’re not stressed out, it will happen.” “Why don’t you adopt? I know a lot of people who adopted and they got pregnant immediately.”

Believe me, I have listened to your advice and I have probably tried almost everything suggested. I’ve been like a crazy woman on a mission for two years now. There comes a time that you just have to stop and say, “I can’t do this by myself anymore.” I need you to know that you don’t have to say anything more than that you are here for me if I need to talk, that you love me, and that you are praying for me. And if that means I have to come out of the infertility closet, then look out world ’cause here I am!!

On another note, please send good vibes that all goes well at the doctor tomorrow. It will be the first check up since I started the shots and we will see if I’m responding like I should be.