This really resonated with me when I saw it. It is so very true. Although this blog is a shameless plug for prayers, I also know that there are people praying for us that I don’t even know about. It makes me feel peaceful and I know that everything will work out.

What do I pray for? I had this conversation with my sister-in-law the other day. I pray for my friends and my friends’ babies who have cancer. If God had to choose, I would ask Him to heal them. I pray for a womb that is healthy and that can achieve and support a pregnancy and grow a healthy baby if that is His plan. I have realized that having a baby is a want and not a need. I need air. I need shelter and clothing and food and water. I don’t need a baby. I desperately want one, but I can survive without one. And I can survive without carrying a baby. We can be parents without a pregnancy.

I also pray for knowledge– The knowledge to know what to do. The knowledge to know when to stop and when to keep going. At this time, we will keep going. We will have to take this month off for a few reasons, but I’m hoping to get started back up next month.

I thought this would be a somewhat lighthearted blog/journal about our journey to pregnancy when I started it. I realize it’s gotten a little heavy recently, but it’s been a dark period. I’m pulling out of the funk and I’m starting to feel more like myself again, so hopefully my posts won’t be so serious soon.

I got my meds for my sinus infection and I already feel worlds better. I started church choir tonight and it was fabulous. Things are totally on the right track, and life is beautiful! Why wouldn’t it be when I can finally add stretching back into my mix? 😊

Well, it’s confirmed. It was a BFN. And I’m okay with that. Testing yesterday helped so I got most of the tears out. I’m still a little weepy today, but I’m actually looking forward to taking a little break from all of the hormones for at least a few days.

We’re not sure what we will do at this point. My doctor is okay with doing another cycle of IUI if we want to. I was able to speak with him briefly today. He is very reassuring and truly cares about his patients, which I appreciate. It makes me feel better to know I’m in the right hands.

The question is whether we want to potentially flush another $2600 down the toilet or put that money towards IVF. There are loans available. We would just have to see if we qualify. I guess that would be the next step if we go the IVF route. I’m almost tempted to do the extra IUI since we have all the meds which can’t be returned or sold. On the other hand, they are the same meds we would use with IVF I think.

I’ve had a minor health hiccup I need to get checked out tomorrow. I’m also going to see my regular doctor tomorrow for what I think is a sinus infection that I haven’t been able to treat for the past two weeks. So after all of that, maybe I’ll go in for a baseline this month.

Maybe I won’t.

If we decide on IVF, my doctor will also have to do a hysteroscopy where he will be able to examine the inside of my uterus. I guess I’ll learn more about that when it becomes necessary.

So thanks for the prayers and keep them coming! I’ll definitely continue to update as we move on to our next step.

I may as well just get it out there. I tested this morning and it was a BFN. In TTC (trying to conceive) speak, that’s a Big Fat Negative. I’m pretty sure that any pregnancy test right now would be accurate.

Therefore, I am prepared to go in tomorrow and make it official. I’m pretty much out of tears for today, but I’m almost positive I’ll be able to find some for tomorrow when I get the phone call.  I always do.

I imagine I will be sad for a few days and then will move on to Plan B, whatever that may be.  Adoption?  IVF?  Deciding to not to try for a family at all?  Probably not the last one, because it made me tear up just to write that.

We will get it figured out with time, I’m sure.  There’s a plan in here somewhere.  I’m just not sure what it is yet.

Here is who I am right now. Half agony. Half hope. I haven’t tested yet. I probably will tomorrow just to prepare me for Monday.

I feel nothing physically. I have no physical symptoms, which I did the last two times. I’m just more and more emotional every day. Today my guess is you could look at me, I perceive you looked at me wrong, and I would burst into tears. I’m a wreck.

I’ve already decided that if this cycle doesn’t work I’m going to take a break. I’ve been amped up on hormones since May and it’s definitely taking its toll. I don’t know how people do this constantly for years! I’m snapping at people. I’m crying. I’m definitely not myself! I just need a month or two to regain my sanity before diving in to the process again. The only hormones I want to experience right now are pregnancy hormones! 😜

Right now I’m preparing for the worst but hoping for the best. Please send positive thoughts and prayers. We truly appreciate it.

I am now on the emotional roller coaster time of these cycles. Not only am I irritable, but I am also doing a lot of random crying and choking up.

Today at lunch I happened to watch something on Facebook and burst into tears. Like sobbing tears. I had been holding back tears for about three days now, and every now and then my eyes would get that splash of tears that you feel right before the waterworks hit. Then the dam broke at lunch.

I’m always super sensitive around this time. I think I’m also super empathetic around this time. I can look at someone or start thinking of someone and suddenly want to start weeping for them for really no major reason.

It’s been difficult to keep it together at work. I’ve also been having blurred vision. Not sure if it’s because I’ve been so tired or what. Anyway, it led me to start googling blurred vision and early pregnancy. Then my allergies have been acting up, so of course I’ve also googled stuffy nose and early pregnancy. Must. Stop. Googling.

Must. Stop. Googling.

Must.

Stop.

Googling.

The closer I get to my beta, the more of a hot mess I’ve become. I’m scheduled for 11:00 am Monday.

Watch this video and see if you burst into tears, too. Let me know!!

https://www.scarymommy.com/kindergartener-bursts-into-tears-when-asked-if-he-will-miss-his-mom/

I sometimes get so obsessed with my tiny little world that I forget to think about people who aren’t living my life. I’ve been writing this blog for I guess two weeks now and I have never explained what IUI is!! Haha. I had a friend tell me she had to google it and I still forgot to explain. So here goes. It may be a little technical and a lot TMI, so stop here if you don’t want to hear about female and male reproductive organs and such.

IUI means “intrauterine insemination.” My world has revolved around it since May. The entire process is as follows, based on my understanding and my internet research.

On day 3 of your menstrual cycle, you go to the doctor for blood work and a follicular ultrasound. They test your FSH (egg quality), progesterone, estradiol, LH, and maybe to make sure you’re not already pregnant. In addition to blood work they do the follicular ultrasound to check out your uterine lining and your ovaries. If all looks good, you proceed as necessary.

I did my first cycle with Clomid where I took two pills for 5 days. My second cycle was 10-12 days of injections in my stomach after 30 days of birth control to let a cyst resolve. This third cycle I did the injections in my arms for 4 days.

While this is going on, you continue with doctors appointments every 2-3 days so they can monitor your levels. Once your follicles are a mature size and your estradiol and LH are where they need to be, you will be instructed to “trigger.” This is another injection that forces ovulation within 36-48 hours. We triggered each time at 9:30 pm.

The day after trigger is the first IUI. Our clinic does back to back IUIs. I think some clinics do only one. We go to the clinic at a time specified and hubby gives his sample. They then wash it to get rid of all the dead sperm and whatever else may be in there that they don’t want. Then about an hour later they call us back.

They will show you the sample and ask you to identify your names. After the washing it is a pink liquid. You then assume the general Pap smear position and the doctor puts some metal clamp around your cervix. It may be the same think they use for a Pap smear. I don’t know. I’ve never really looked and have never wanted to look.

Once the metal thing is in place, the doctor inserts a catheter through your cervix and into your uterus and injects the pink stuff. Then you lay there for 15 minutes, which I understand is more of a psychological thing rather than a medical necessity. You then repeat the entire process the next day.

Three days after the final IUI, you start the progesterone supplements and patiently wait for the day you can go in for the beta. In the meantime, no googling, no twisting, and certainly no stretching!!

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/7984464

Back in the day I used to think a woman would get pregnant if she forgot to take her birth control pill or had unprotected sex. Then bam! A month later she finds out she’s pregnant. 8 months later she’s a mom. That was before infertility introduced itself into my life. Now I realize that there’s a process behind it all. There’s a little bit of science and then a whole lot of miracle involved.

In a nutshell, intimacy is only the first step. After that, the swimmers have to travel to the egg through the cervix, the uterus, and then to the Fallopian tubes. Then actual fertilization has to occur, creating an embryo. The embryo then travels to the uterus where it snuggles in and attaches, or implants. Only then will a woman finally be preggers, and a few days later she will test positive for pregnancy.

I’m in the implantation stage right now where we want a fertilized embryo to “stick” to my uterus. So 1) we’re hoping and praying that fertilization occurred, and 2) we’re praying for sticky baby dust so the embryo will implant.

I’ve been a little crampy since yesterday. It may be the progesterone or it may be implantation. It’s a weird kind of crampy in my abdomen, and it’s been pretty persistent. I’m really hoping it’s a good sign, but you can never get too excited with all the side effects from the meds.

In addition to the science, which I hope I described correctly above, there’s the miracle part to consider. I truly believe after living this process that miracles and divine intervention are a big part of this. Doctors can look at blood work and ultrasounds and use their knowledge to make decisions. Everything can look perfect on paper and it still may not result in pregnancy. That’s where prayers and hope come in. I am constantly asking God to bless my womb. If I’m meant to carry a child, I ask Him to allow my womb to house a baby until it’s ready to be born.

I have to trust in the science and in my faith. And in trusting in both, I am confident that what is meant to be will be.

Yesterday I found myself googling something, but I can’t remember what. It was something along the lines of whether something was safe to do during the TWW. Any time you google this kind of material, you will end up reading threads from regular people and not medical professionals. It’s a lot of “I heard this” and “someone told me that” kind of stuff.

Anyway, what caught my eye was a post about someone wanting to stretch. Stretch, you may ask? Yes, stretch. It went something like, “I heard you can’t stretch during the TWW. What do I do? I really need to stretch!” I started laughing. Preposterous! How absurd! And then I saw someone’s response, which went like, “Oh, that’s horrible. I’m so sorry. Have you tried stretching one body part at a time? Try doing each leg one at a time, then do the arms.”

I still don’t know what they were talking about! Stretching like when you wake up in the morning or stretching for the gym? Either way, how is this bad? So then, of course, I start racking my brain. Have I been stretching? If so, has it harmed my potential pregnancy? What else have I been doing that I shouldn’t be doing?

It’s posts like these that remind me about why I decided not to google this time. I had to put down the phone and resume my regular activities. My understanding it that I can do anything I want within reason. Our doctor said no crazy twisting in the ovaries area. Specifically, no spin class and no flips while swimming. That wasn’t going to happen anyway!

I’m almost through week one of the TWW. Reaching the halfway mark is always excellent because we’re that much closer to knowing. Tuesday would be the most common implantation day, so let’s all hope and pray that something is fertilized and decides to stick this time! In the meantime, I will not be doing the twist!!

Some questions are difficult to answer when you are struggling with infertility. I remember being single and constantly getting the “Do you have a boyfriend” question. Then when you are dating it’s the “When are you going to get married” question. Well, that was actually usually my nephew asking future hubby the question, but I still credit nephew for pushing hubs in the right direction!

I was so glad to get married because those questions were over. Little did I know we would have a new round of questions to answer. “Do you have a family?” “Do you have kids yet?” “When are you going to start your family?” When we were first married, we answered with an optimistic, “Not yet, but hopefully soon!” Once the struggle became real, I would mumble a “not yet” and force a smile. Now I try to avoid the question, and to avoid the question you usually have to avoid meeting new people. Depending on who asks, my answers vary. Typically if you ask me the question you will get the “not yet” response. Every now and then for a friend or close acquaintance, I will admit that we would love a family but that we have had some trouble so we need some medical intervention. (See my post about Coming out of the Infertility Closet to see what happens after that answer. 😜)

I think that people think it’s a polite question and a good conversation starter. I’m sure I used to do it myself. But let me give you an example of how it stings. The day before our very first IUI was Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is a holiday where you celebrate your own wonderful mother, but it also reminds you of how empty your own womb has been. So on Mother’s Day hubby and I went to get a pedicure. Relaxing, right? Nope. Both of our pedicure ladies bombarded us with the questions. “Do you have a family?” “Why no family yet?” “How old are you?” “You don’t want to wait too long.” We fielded questions such as these for about 20 minutes. Finally, I asked them about their own kids and they dropped their questions to answer mine. I had to look at things from a different perspective. I left feeling bad for them since they had to work on this special day for mothers when they had their own children at home.

I realize that questions like these happen to everyone. I have a couple dear to me who is working on their second child. I have seen first hand people tell them, “It’s time for a second baby!” They handle it with grace and dignity every time, but I’m sure it stings.

This post is kind of rambling, but I started writing it because of the actual “family” question. Is a couple not a family if it just the two of them with no kids? I feel like we are a family. We may be a family of two adults, three dogs, and a cat, but we are a family.

So anyway, tonight and tomorrow we have functions at our new church where we are going to meet new people. I’m sure we’re going to get some of these questions and I need to be mentally prepared. I will get my smile ready and rehearse my cheerful, “Not yet! But hopefully soon!” Wish me luck!!

UPDATE:  We finished our first function and didn’t get any family planning questions. If you know me you would know I’m a huge worrier and over-thinker. It looks like I overthought this big time. What a relief!